Burst Your Bubble

Dear stores and restaurants that give balloons to kids,

Thank you for giving the Little Dude a gift that he is obsessed with from the moment he spots it 50 yards away, until it either pops or floats to the clouds within 3 minutes after receiving it.  Naturally one of those two tragic outcomes occurs at the other end of the mall or as we are getting in the car, both of which are just beyond the statute of limitations for obtaining another one.   

I assume that your proprietor must be the devil and that’s why you offer primarily red balloons. Why not just give out melted popsicles or sick three-legged puppies or something else that will likely make kids very upset very quickly?  What is so appealing about balloons anyway? It’s just an overstretched piece of material filled with hot air, sort of like the polyester clothing of most of my high school teachers.  

To those of you at the local grocery store, you are doubly evil. Not only do you torture kids with cheap balloons tied to lollipops, but you also tempt them on the way both in and out of the store with vending machines filled with crap. And it’s not even appealing crap to anyone over the age of 3, it’s just basic garden variety junk.  It’s junk that sets me up for bigger headaches because inevitably whatever toy you show as the demo on the front of the machine is NEVER the one anyone gets when they retrieve their plastic egg.  You always show a cool looking Finn McMissile car and then after I drop in two quarters, out pops an Avian-flu infected feather or a pink plastic toad or a used Kleenex.  I’d rather the Little Dude just play with the quarters if they are going to get thrown out anyway. 

It’s no secret that companies like Camel and Budweiser got in trouble several years ago for using cartoons and animals to attract underage kids to their products they won't be allowed to enjoy legally for many years.  So why do supermarkets believe they can make my son enjoy helping me search the store for the correct kind of frozen peas by offering a giant plastic car covered in Streptococcus strapped to the front of a shopping cart? He obviously won't be driving for a while. There’s nothing that makes a Dude looks goofier than pushing around that monstrous cart with the giant red zit in front.  Believe me, I know from the empathetic nods I get from older men dragged to the store by their lovely wives.

Candy machine at a local restaurant.
Worst "game" ever.

To the local restaurant that features one of those giant crane machines filled with candy, you are the worst.  You make me look like the bad guy because I don’t want to waste 50 cents for one measly Twizzler or pack of Smarties.  Somehow you manage to make people ignore the fact that you charge more than a movie theater and airport gift shop combined for this junk.  

So with balloons handed out like Jehovah’s Witnesses Fliers, and junk-filled vending machines every 20 yards throughout the local strip centers, malls and gas stations, how can I avoid these booby-traps placed just about everywhere I go for nearly every product we use?  I guess I’ll take my business to Amazon.  They ship everything in those bland brown boxes filled with the giant bubble wrap.  While the bubbles will inevitably get popped inside my house, at least they won’t float away right as the UPS truck pulls out of my driveway.

Sincerely,

The Dude