Grumpy Grammys

After making a seemingly innocuous joke on my Facebook page yesterday:

Several people gave me a hard time about my comment, and even though I’m usually immune to peer pressure, I flipped the telecast on while I did some work.

You should know by now that I am a big music fan, but the great majority (probably at least 90%) of what I like was written and recorded before 1990. I’m not saying that all music today sucks, but come on, have you heard Call Me Maybe? That song is so dumb and completely illogical. No kids today actually call each other. It should have been called Skype Me Maybe or Text Me, LOL.  Either way, it would have been dumb, but at least more contextually accurate.

I missed the first chunk of the show while putting the Little Dude to bed, but put it on in time to see Rihanna sing some song I’d never heard before. I don’t know if it was good or bad because all I could look at was her wig that looked like she shaved a lion’s mane and slapped it on her head.

Call me Simba

Shortly after her performance, Jay-Z, Frank Ocean and a guy who looked like he’d been found in the dumpster behind my college dorm won an award. Congrats.

Homeless chic

The Black Keys were up next and I have to admit, I just don’t understand their music. They grew up in my hometown and are a couple years younger than me, and in theory they play the type of music I’d like. It’s just too loud. Or I’m too old. Listening to it makes me want to eat lunch at 4:30pm.

A cute young lady named Bruno Mars sang some dreck before Sting jumped in and took over with the bass intro to Walking on the Moon. Finally a song I know. (Of course it’s almost 30 years old.) Then Ziggy and Damian Marley jumped on stage for a tribute to their father. Pretty good, though I recently learned that Ziggy Marley’s real name is David, so he’s a couple notches less cool than before.

The Lumineers performed Ho Hey, which I only knew because I’d them seen on Saturday Night Live recently. Not a horrible song, but their attire couldn’t have been any more hipster cliché unless they were actually wearing Zooey Deschanel.

Prince showed up to present an award while dressed as Jackie Onassis and carrying the Mister Peanut’s cane. What ever happened to the badass Prince who just liked to wear a lot of purple velvet? Yes, I miss the ‘80s.

 Can you tell who is who?

Speaking of purple velvet, I dug John Mayer’s homage to Gene Wilder’s Willy Wonka.

John Mayer's date brought the Golden Globes to the Grammys this year.

The tributes to rockers who passed over the last year came next, and that was the highlight of the night. Elton John, Mavis Staples and some other youngsters I didn’t know paid tribute to Levon Helm with a great performance of The Weight.  I paid tribute to Levon 9 months ago with that song, so you can say that the producers copied me. But where were Helm’s surviving Band-mates Robbie Robertson and Garth Hudson? Probably up on Cripple Creek.

Some other awards were distributed before Frank Ocean slapped on his yellow suit and became Forrest Gump for a song apparently called Forrest Gump. Cool video illusion of Frank running and I bet he was thankful that wearing that sweatband finally paid off.

Adele handed out an award, but frankly all I could think about was how she looked like she stole my 97-year-old Aunt Adele’s linens. They say becoming a parent makes you grow up, but it seems she aged 70 years in 4 months.

To close the show, LL Cool J, Chuck D and some others sang (rapped?) some hip hop. It wasn’t Mama Said Knock You Out, so I lost interest quickly.

The show ended and while I was glad I watched, I wish I knew a few more songs performed. Actually, not really. Fun seems like a decent band, but why does their guitarist have Forrest Gump’s haircut? I also wish there had been less Ryan Seacrest.  Seriously: is there a show on TV that he’s not on?

The Grammys were like the previously mentioned Mister Gump’s famous box of chocolates. Though beforehand I had an idea what I was gonna get and I wasn’t too far off. I can hardly wait until next year.  

What were your highlights and lowlights from this year's Grammy Awards?