Don't Call Me Scrooge

Even though I’m Jewish and don’t celebrate Christmas, I can see why it’s a big deal to those who do.  And obviously Jews have played an important role since the holiday’s origin, as the birthday boy himself was actually one of ours.  

I have a relative who is obsessed with Christmas.  And she’s Jewish.  She grew up celebrating with an extended family member and really liked all of the traditions.  Now that she’s an adult, she has chosen to make X-mas a part of her own family’s holiday celebration. Knowing her, I have a feeling a big reason is the Gingerbread.

I don’t go to church, have a giant ornament-filled tree or wear those sweaters with the reindeers and snowflakes. I don’t know why anyone would want a partridge in a pear tree, either. Unless it is the obnoxious Danny Bonaduce. However, there are several things about Christmas that this MOT really does enjoy.  Let me tell you about a few of them.

Elf:  Arguably Will Ferrell’s funniest movie not named “Anchorman”, this flick is one that I recall nearly coughing up my spleen while watching in the theater.  When Ferrell confronts the faux-Santa played by Artie Lange and tells him that he “smells like beef and cheese”, you know something’s not Kosher.  Oh, and the movie was directed by Jon Favreau, co-stars James Caan and features Ed Asner as Santa.  All three are former Bar Mitzvah boys. 

Candy Cane Hershey Kisses:  My wife, who is (allegedly) allergic to chocolate, introduced me to these tiny bites of legal Crack a few years ago. They are only available for a limited time though, so the key is stocking up to last through most of the following year. I guess I know what I’ll be doing on the 26^th.  

No Traffic in LA: OK, so this is more of a by-product of Christmas but still one of my favorite things.  Much of the entertainment industry shuts down for the last two weeks of the year and many people leave LA for better weather (I.e. Hawaii, Fiji, San Diego).  Those of us who stay are treated with short rides and easy commutes across town for the longest stretch of the year.  Driving around Los Angeles on Christmas Day is the most desolate feeling one can get in LA outside of the 9^th inning of a Dodgers game. It’s fantastic.  

The phrase “Whole Half Ham”: I don’t eat ham, so I’m not really sure what this refers to or if it’s some special type of half-bred pig.  What I do know is that its’ name sounds ridiculous. Whole Half Ham? Can’t they omit the word “Whole” and still get the same meaning? If you only wanted 50% of a Whole Half Ham, would it be considered a Half-Half Ham or a Whole Quarter Ham?  My wife is a mathematics expert and I don’t think even she could figure out the calculation necessary for this nonsense.

Bob Dylan’s Christmas Album: I borrowed “Christmas in the Heart” from a friend when it came out a couple years ago because I am a huge Dylan fan. I was unfamiliar with most of the songs on it but was curious how this Jew who became a born again Christian before reverting back to Judaism would treat these seasonal classics.  Sadly, Dylan’s voice basically now sounds like gravel and screwdrivers mixing in a garbage disposal.  That combined with these festive lyrics and young perky backup singers creates an audible type of comedy that is still sounds much better than anything Justin Bieber could ever do. 

"Yes, I'm a Tool"

People wearing Santa hats who aren’t Santa:  This is actually something I hate, but I really enjoy making fun of them so it made the list. Those red hats look goofy enough on the jolly fat man sitting on a throne near the food court.  How can some nerd in a Utah Jazz jersey and sweatpants make it acceptable?  When I see people wearing these hats out and about, I like to suggest that they ask their friends and family to get them mirrors for Christmas. Perhaps then maybe they’ll realize that they look like rejects from “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.”  

I've realized Christmas can be whatever you want it to be. For many people it’s a time to get together with friends and family to drink egg nog and watch Jimmy Stewart stutter. For others it’s a time to see the latest blockbuster and fight for a table at China Dynasty.  However you celebrate, I hope you have a happy and safe holiday. And for Christ's sake please don’t wear a Santa hat.

If you celebrate, then Merry Christmas. 

If you don't, enjoy your movie and Orange Chicken. 

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