Monday, August 27, 2012

The Evil Child

At the recent birthday party of one of the Little Dude’s friends, I learned that some kids are just pure evil. And I didn’t know how to handle it.

Like the majority of parties we’ve gone to over the last few years this one was at an “indoor play place”. If you are a parent of young kids, you probably know the type: a very brightly fluorescent lit room filled with primary colors and runny-nosed kids. And some toys.  

Some kids are better sharers than others. My Little Dude happens to be an excellent sharer and I’m not just saying that because he’s my kid. In the interest of full disclosure, my son is a Thomas the Train addict and every time he goes to a place with a train table, he usually spends the majority of his time there. He likes to carry the trains around as he checks out the table, sometimes six or eight trains at a time.  But whenever another kid comes to play, he shares what he’s holding.

At this particular party, after the requisite cheese pizza and sheet-cake, the kids had free play time. The Little Dude spotted a Razor-type scooter and was enamored by it, despite never having been on one before. I watched him as he watched some of the older kids riding and knew he wanted to try it out.


He followed one boy who rode the scooter to the back of the playroom. The boy stepped off the scooter and laid it on the ground nearby as he went to play air hockey with another kid. Clearly he was moving on to something else, as kids tend to do frequently at places like this that offer myriad opportunities for play.  The Little Dude spotted the scooter on the ground from about 25 feet away and eagerly started running toward it. As he was getting close, the other boy noticed him, turned around and stuck his leg out. My Little Dude crashed to the carpet.

The boy, who was at least double my son’s age, looked proud of himself. “Ha, I tricked that little kid”, his face screamed. Until he noticed me watching.  I ran to my son, who was shaken up and confused. Probably more shocked by his fall than anything, he was clearly upset.  At 2 ½ he was too young to verbalize what he was thinking, but the sadness on his face which had radiated pure excitement 20 seconds earlier was heartbreaking.

I turned to the boy and asked him why he did that. He had no response. After a few carefully chosen words from me, which he shrugged off, he turned back to his air hockey game. We took the scooter and headed in the other direction. I was baffled. I’d seen kids play rough before, but never so blatantly toward my kid.

The tricky part of the situation was that I know Evil Boy’s parents. Not well at all, but extremely casually.  I don’t know them well enough to know whether this was his usual behavior or an isolated incident. I looked around and saw the parents on the other side of the room, not watching what any of their kids were doing.  I made sure my son was OK and as expected, within a couple minutes he lost interest in the scooter and headed back to see Thomas, Percy and company. He was over the incident. I was not.

I was faced with the dilemma of whether or not to say something to the obviously inattentive parents.  I didn’t want to cause a scene at someone else’s party, but the reality was, their kid acted like an A-hole. They needed to know. 

I debated various ways of broaching the subject with the parents. A few times I saw Evil Boy cross my path. Each time, I gave him a very stern look. And each time, I saw a nervous look on his face before he took off in the opposite direction.  If the kid and his family were strangers, it might have been easier. But they weren’t.

For half an hour, my mind raced. Would my confronting the parents lead to further confrontation? I knew that I didn’t want to cause a problem, but I was unhappy and they needed to know so that other kids wouldn’t fall victim to their son the bully.

As I debated internally, I watched my son playing with the trains. He had a chain of 3 going up and down bridges along the tracks & smiled each time they cruised down the hill. If he was already over it, maybe I should be too. I decided to not tell the parents.  Hopefully karma will someday.


What would you have done if you were in my position?


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34 comments:

  1. This happened once with some crazy little psychopath that kept punching my kid (and other kids) in the head in the bounce-house. But we didn't know the parents so 1st offense: We told our son to stay away from the boy. Which he did, but the evil little turd came after him. Second offense: My husband, with a stern tone, told the boy to stop. Third offense: I asked the party-thrower who the boy's parents were. They had left the kid alone at the party! (Huge surprise, right?!) So I explained to the party-thrower what the kid was doing, and she removed him from the bounce-house. If she hadn't? I would have told the staff. If they did nothing? I would have left, and told the staff why I was leaving.

    If the parents of the Evil One had been there, I would have gone straight to them. I have done this, and I make it a matter of habit to tell parents if their kids cross a line and go above and beyond 'normal bratty kid behavior.' Why? Because if MY kid did that I would want to know - so that I could correct the behavior. For me, it's a 'do unto others' thing. I always say, "Hey listen, such-and-such happened with the kids, and I'm only telling you this because if it were me, I would want to know..." And if the parent gets riled up about it... that is information I consider to be useful for the next time I run into them or their evil spawn.

    Oh and one more thing - I'm sorry to tell you this... but you're going to see A LOT more of this. I could tell you so many stories. And my kid's only six.

    Sorry for the long comment! lol

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    1. This. 100%. Give the parents a chance to chat with their kid. And if they don't? Well, always important to know which kids are brought up with values and manners.

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  2. I probably would have done the same as you - fumed for far too long then did nothing. Though, I agree with the commenter that *I* would want to know if my kid did it. And yes, so many kids are A-holes these days, sad.

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  3. This happened at a pool party involving one of my boys. I caught another Evil One in the process, being a pool party I saw the risk to bodily harm and told the bully that he will stop, keep his hands to himself and he needed to tell his parent or I would. And would the story be better sounding coming from him or a stranger?

    He told his Mom when I was standing 10 feet away. She apologized and kept an eagle-eye on her son and his actions for the remainder of the party. I didn't know her either. Nor was I interested in getting to know her.

    I am a lunch lady and have zero tolerance for BS from kids...it embarrasses my kids but I really don't care. It's how I roll.

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  4. I don't generally say anything over the typical sharing squabbles, or mild arguments between my children and others....but as soon as it crosses the line to extreme verbal bullying, or the physical: I say something.
    My method is just try approach the parents from a purely "I thought I should just let you know this happened. I'd rather you heard it directly from me, instead of from your child, but I had to step in on a situation.....etc. etc." That's about as non-confrontational as I think you can get about something like that.
    But I totally have snarked off too in cases where there was some serious physical evilness happening. I believe my favourite line is: "Are you *insert child's name* parent? Yes. Then could you please parent. thanks."

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  5. I would have tripped him back when he ran by me ;)

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  6. I've seen that happen and I make the kid tell the parents what he/she did. AFTER, I tell the kid off - only kid words, of course. Then I don't feel like the douchy tattle-tell. :)

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  7. Probably would have done the same thing you did. Parents can be really unbelievable. My son was at the park, and a little boy had 4 or five pails. My son started playing with one, and the boy freaked. Instead of trying to urge him to share, his mother came over, picked up all of the pails and said, "Don't worry honey. I'll hold them over here so he can't get them." WHAT?

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  8. If it had just been a sharing issue, I'd have let it go for sure because all kids can get "mine-y" in situations like that and it really isn't typically malicious. But tripping crossed the line. I would have said something to the child like you did and waited to see what my kid did, like you did, too. If it bothered my kid, I'd have a talk with the evil one's parents. If it didn't bother my kid, I'd bring it up later and talk about the difference between being assertive and aggressive. Good job, dad!

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  9. Ugh. In general, I don't get involved, but I had to one time and it went really, really poorly. It ended up with neither of us happy. Thanks for bringing this up. Still no easy way to deal with this. Erin

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  10. Just for perspective, here's what happens with me. In this scenario, my kid would TOTALLY have been evil boy, and I'd have wanted to know. Here's why. It has nothing to do with 'letting him get away with behavior like that'. It has to do with sensory and behavior issues. When his meds aren't working, or when he's overstimulated, Sam can be .... I think possessed is the right word. He hurts others and claims it's fun. He ... he's just no good at all. He's NOT a bad kid. He's autistic. But he's got Asperger's syndrome, so it isn't visible to those who don't know him well. We get a lot of "I would never have known ..." comments. It also takes a lot longer to get a point home to him. When he starts acting this way, it may be time to get him the hell out of the situation, because otherwise, someone will get seriously hurt when he pushes the next line.

    When everything's going fine, he's a sweetie. He adores his friends, and he doesn't deserve to be socially isolated, but he also can't go around hurting other people.

    Five year olds normally have trouble with empathy. (My daughter, also autistic had too MUCH empathy. We couldn't squish bugs without inducing empathetic weeping. But she was the anomaly.) My son's behaviors are like a typical five year old's on fast-forward-steroids. And that said, getting a get without sensory issues to understand that he just hurt someone and that HURTING IS WRONG isn't as basic as you might think. Add that the fact that kids love to test limits and that it's always possible that evil kid could have some kind of issues you don't know about, and a respectful touching-base with the other parents can't hurt.

    I want to know when Sam does this stuff. Sometimes, I'll get lost in conversation at a birthday party and miss it. And seriously, I need to know. Here's what I appreciate. When the other parent comes up in a nonthreatening way and says, "Look, I don't want to be a jerk, but your kid just bit mine." (Yes, I've had that conversation.) It gives me a chance to apologize, explain the situation, and deal with Sam. Sometimes, that means the best thing is for me to say, "Hey quit, I' m watching you," and then everyone move on. Retribution isn't going to help him at all. If he's acting out some sensory issue, then feeding into the behavior problem is going to make it worse. But I will know and be watching him so it doesn't happen again, and when it comes anything like close, I can get him out of dodge before things come to a kid getting hurt.

    I think it's cool you talked to the kid, and the fact that he was nervous when he saw you suggests that he knew he did something wrong, and he was waiting for the other shoe to drop when his parents found out. (And that tension might have been as good as if they HAD confronted him for keeping him in line the rest of the day.)

    In the end, don't feel bad about saying something polite. Don't go in there defensive and ready for blood. (It doesn't sound like you were.) But don't feel like you have to navigate the waters of some other half-known kid's behaviors without their parents' help, either.

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  11. This is one situation where I'm finding the comments as helpful as the post. I am looking at facing situations like this very shortly, and I appreciate the different perspectives. I'm glad your son didn't seem too fazed. I would have a harder time keeping it to myself, for some of the reasons mentioned - if my kid tripped someone, I'd want to know.

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  12. My heart was sinking right along with yours when you described his changing expression. So hard. I'm not sure what I'd have done. I think intentionally tripping is going to far but I also know that some parents are really not receptive to hearing that. It was nice to read Jester Queen's perspective. That's something to think about.

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  13. I woulda punched the kid in the face! Okay, probably not...

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  14. I would have grabbed that kid by the scruff of his neck and hauled him over to his evil parents. And I'm not joking. So what if they hated me forever? I don't want to be friends with the parents of a future psycho anyway! (You did ask. . .)

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  15. What an educational post. I don't have kids so I was at a loss as to what I might have done. I probably would have done what you did, checked on my kid to gauge his reaction, and made sure the other kid knew I was on to him. But after reading the comments I know now that I would say something. I'm often with my young niece and if I ever see that happen (I haven't yet) I would approach the parents. Reading the comments made me realize I would want to know if it were my kid who did that. I would absolutely want to know. What a great post to put out here to get us all thinking about it. Even those of us without kids.

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  16. Yes, been there.. the parents are as bad as their kids... Dude...

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  17. Well. This is a tough one. My kids are grown but this kind of stuff happened a lot in similar places as this party. Bullies usually go for a time when no one is watching and younger or more timid kids. Ahhhhh....I've done both. Mentioned to the parents and not. Doesn't help you know them even casually. I probably would have done the same at that age. I did not, however, when my son was bullied in grade school and middle school. I called parents and teachers and even a principal once if it was an issue of personal safety. If it was hurt feeling, I counseled my kids and crossed my fingers for karma to come back and bite them in the butt. Apples don't fall far from the tree. Therein lies the source.

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  18. In situations like this I'm always hesitant to go straight to blaming the parents. The kid could have complex behavioral issues or be going through a really tough time. Or he could go around tripping little kids all the time and just be an asshole-in-training learning from his asshole parents. Who knows?

    Generally my kid is pretty well behaved but occasionally she'll pull some kind of stunt like pushing or name-calling and it's not because at home we wander around shoving each other while screaming profanities. Every kid has a moment of assholery now and then. Which doesn't make assholery okay but it does put it in perspective.

    I don't know what I would have done in your situation. My kid is 4 so I probably would have focused more on coaching her on how to deal with it when people are mean to her. If I saw the Evil Kid wandering around engaging in serial assholery I'd probably say something to the parents.

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  19. This is so hard. I easily discipline other people's kids at playgrounds, etc. -- when they are strangers. We recently had a parent incident at school where one boy called another girl "a fat loser" then denied it and blamed another kid. His parents believed him, making a whole triangle of discomfort for three kids and their families. Ugh.

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  20. awwww - poor little thing. Why to some kids have to be so cruel?

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  21. Kids are cruel, often without deliberation. They learn empathy as they grow, from the behavior of others. I don't think this kid was a bully, but someone who saw something he still wanted to play with later, and did something foolish in order to keep it. The fact that he looked nervous meant that he realized he had done something wrong. So that's good, yes? You handled it just fine!

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  22. Some kids can be such jerks. I don't know what it is that clicks in their head to make them do things like that...especially to a little 2 year old! I probably wouldn't have said anything the first time, but if it happened again, I would. Thank goodness you were right there watching him!

    For some reason, your comment came through in my email, but didn't show up on my blog. Thanks for that, I'm sorry you had to go through that with your mom!

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  23. This is tough. I hate these moments in parenting. I like it better when my kid is the victim, than when he or she slugs someone else. People can make fun of helicopter parents all they want, but I think it's important to know who my kid is hitting or hurting and who is hurting them. THat's just me.

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  24. First of all, that is one seriously cute Little Dude. Secondly, this just pisses me off. I have known this kid too and I feel your pain. This is a tough, tough, tough one. Frankly, I try to think what would I have wanted done if the roles were reversed? I would have wanted the other parent to tell me what they had witnessed my child do so I could use it as a teaching moment. The Evil Kid obviously was aware he did something wrong. Sorry this happened...

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  25. I would have done exactly what you did. And then wondered if I did the right thing. I'd like to believe there are many "right" ways to handle these situations and we'll get to try out a bunch of different ways throughout our parenting lives. I think the most important thing is to stay connected to your son (who is just adorable, BTW) exactly as you did. That said, I'd want to know if my kid was acting out in this way. Great post and great discussion here in the comments.

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  27. The kid get one freebie and that was it. I'd talk to the parents if there are any more incidents.

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  28. I am not afraid of confrontation but I don't jump the first time unless it is really egregious. I want to see whether it is a one time incident or part of a pattern.


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  29. Great post! Such a common occurrence these days yet so thought provoking. I've been in your situation too, and sometimes talking to the parents is not as easy as it sounds. Can get very awkward. I like a lot of the suggestions commented here about how to bring it up.

    The harder situation is when your little guy tells you something happened that you didn't actually see. In that case going to the parents would not be appropriate, so you simply have to manage your own child's response and feelings.

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  30. It's so difficult to watch your child get his/her feelings hurt. Especially at a young age when they are just so trusting of everyone. I generally try not to approach the parents directly but I do say something to the kid in hopes of the parents seeing me. I always hope they'll come up and ask what's going on...but they usually don't.

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  31. Wow. This brings back memories. My daughter (now almost 22) was diagnosed with ADHD shortly after my mother passed away nearly 17 years ago. I honestly thought she was just acting out because her beloved "Mamaw" died, but I had always thought she was just a bit too hyper. After being extensively tested (and tested again just to make sure--I'm a pushy mom when it comes to her health) and confirming the diagnosis I made sure to take any initiative to ensure her safety and the safety of other children around her. She would get way out of hand and I would step in to make sure she understood what she was doing and the consequences of her actions. I rarely took my own daughter's side in an incident (knowing her like I did--most times it was her fault) and I made sure she understood why she was being punished and why she had to apologize. I bet I had to say "I'm so sorry for her actions" more times than I could count.

    With that being said, I would most definitely step in and make sure the parents knew what their child had done and what I said to their child. If a parent doesn't know they can't reprimand the child. Once you've done your part (informing the parents) it's out of your hands unless it happens to your child again with the same evil child. I can't tell you how often (here lately) I've had to stop a "buck wild" kid in the store for almost running me over (I've had 2 failed spinal fusions and balance issues so being knocked to the floor by unruly children is not my idea of a good day) and I will hunt their parents down with their child in tow. Yes, I've been in verbal arguments because I "put my hands on their child" (granted, it's from grabbing their clothing and not their body but in my defense it's a safety issue) but more times than not the parents will reprimand the child and have the child apologize. I am civil when talking to the parents ("Hey, just wanted to let you know your son/daughter was running and almost knocked a few people over, including me and I have physical health issues..." you get the idea). I've even gone as far as getting a store manager or restaurant manager to step in when nothing else works.

    I believe you did the right thing you could given the situation. It basically resolved itself. The evil child didn't bother your son anymore and evil child knew he had done wrong. Your son moved on with something that made him content and he forgot about the incident. Hopefully this is the only time you'll have to deal with this. Chin up dad! You've got an awesome little Dude!

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  32. I know this situation well. Like you, I was at a loss of what to do. I rwmember last summer when a bully took my daughters DS from her. MY KIDS STUFF! Then she started bossing my daughter terribly. my little girl is overly nice and would rather play with anyone, evdn a bully, if it means having a friend. After witnessing the pure evil from this girl, I went off on the kid. It was the first time I'd ever disciplined amother persons child. And I was nervous. My heart pounded for an hour after. But the girl was nice for the rest of the day. Then came the struggling with telling her parents how ugly she had been. I vaguely knew them. Like you, since my daughter was over it, I let it go. But I still wish I'd told them. Good job Dude. Parenting is tough. Forgive all the typos. I hope yoy know I can spell. But I'm on my phone and too lazy to correct tjings right now.

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  33. Inflatable water slides can be a great way to make some fun in summer with your families in holiday, picnic or events. Your family can play together and compete among others in water slides.

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